6 Reasons Why Relationships Fail. The Psychology of Relationships
You have heard the shocking statistic before; half of all marriages end in divorce. But did you know that two-thirds of second marriages end in divorce, and nearly three-quarters of third marriages end in divorce? What's more, is that most relationships that don’t even make it to the altar also end up in a break-up.
So what is the issue? Why do we as humans have such a hard time having and sustaining successful relationships?
Today, we’re going to delve into the remarkable truth about love, why we crave love, and why most relationships fail. Plus stick around to the end as I’ll be sharing with you 6 signs that your relationship is doomed.
Why we crave and seek out love
Marriages and relationships ultimately end for a variety of reasons. Be it abuse, a clash in personality, beliefs, values, life goals, or the biggest one… infidelity.
All of the above reasons, however, are the result of one, or both partners, burdening the relationship with the fantasy that it will cure all their problems. You see, we have this belief that a romantic relationship will unlock a life of happiness and fulfillment. The psychiatrist M. Scott Peck called romantic love, a myth. This myth that true love is the cure-all to all our worldly problems has the power to destroy one’s capacity to cultivate the healthy and realistic love that sustains fulfilling relationships.
M. Scott Peck went on to say:
“The myth of romantic love tells us that when we meet the person for whom we are intended…we will be able to satisfy all of each other’s needs forever and ever, and therefore live happily forever after in perfect union and harmony”
Of course, movies, TV shows, and songs encourage us to seek out love. Promising that when we find that great love in our lives the heavens will open up, angels will sing, and we will be truly happy… forever. Modern culture is centered around the theme of a lost and lonely individual who finds the perfect romantic match and thereafter experiences a life of happiness and fulfillment. Unless of course, you are the incredibly dashing Ryan Gosling and beautiful Rachel McAdams in The Notebook movie in which case you’re so obsessed with this fantasy that you’re willing to end current relationships, forgo your morals, and even end your life for it so you’ll live happily in the afterlife.
The psychologist James Hollis called this perfect romantic match the Magical Other. And he suggested that as traditional sources of meaning such as religion, family, and community have eroded, the pursuit of the Magical Other has intensified. So much so that many people today deify romantic love as the central source of life’s meaning.
You know, it's funny how often people use the word ‘soulmate’ almost as much as they talk about God – like, it's this constant fascination with the idea!
Hollis wrote in his book, the Eden Project: The Search for the Magical Other:
“One of the false ideas that drives humankind is the fantasy of the Magical Other, the notion that there is one person out there who is right for us…a soul-mate who will repair the ravages of our personal history; one who will be there for us, who will read our minds, know what we want and meet those deepest needs; a good parent who will protect us from suffering and, if we are lucky, spare us the perilous journey of individuation… Virtually all popular culture is fueled by…the search for the Magical Other.”
Why the honeymoon phase ends?
In the early stages of a relationship, it can appear as if one has found their ‘Magical Other.’ That is because we experience a flooding of dopamine and oxytocin in the brain. It’s the same feeling you experience when you eat your favorite sweet treat or watch your favorite movie thriller.
We also experience the instinct that has been instilled within us from the age of cavemen; the mating instinct. The probability of reproducing is hard to ignore. The experience of falling in love is so appealing that it becomes an idealization of the significant other. These emotions of lust compounded with the feelings of excitement blind us to a point where we can’t see the faults and flaws of our partner.
The blossoming beginning of love is often referred to as the honeymoon phase. We all experience it when we first fall in love, but why is it always simply a phase and therefore has an expiration date?
The emotions we experience of deep feelings of infatuation, happiness, and euphoria, breed the illusion that life is now complete. There are other emotions at play here; one’s ego boundaries collapse as one psychologically merges with the partner. This is synonymous with what we experience with our mothers at birth. James Hollis pointed out, “In some respects, the act of falling in love is an act of regression.”
M. Scott Peck explained:
“The unreality of these feelings when we have fallen in love is essentially the same as the unreality of the two-year-old who feels itself to be king of the family and the world with power unlimited. Just as reality intrudes upon the two-year-old’s fantasy of omnipotence so does reality intrude upon the fantastic unity of the couple who have fallen in love…One by one, gradually or suddenly, the ego boundaries snap back into place; gradually or suddenly, they fall out of love. Once again they are two separate individuals.”
Just as a child breaks free of the incredibly strong bonds of its mother when the reality of them not being the sum of their needs – so the honeymoon phase ends with each couple.
How our childhood plays affects our relationships
We all have different needs when it comes to being in a relationship. But where do these needs stem from?
Well, we talked about how popular culture promotes this fairytale idea of searching for this "Magical Other", but what may surprise you, is often this search stems from a childhood lacking in sufficient parental love, affection, and attention.
A child who does not receive steady and dependable caregiving tends to develop into an adult afflicted with feelings of insecurity, a fragile identity, and pervasive feelings of emptiness. A person raised like this often attempts to fill the emotional void by anchoring their sense of self in a relationship, and by seeking a romantic partner who can assume the role of a maternal or paternal figure.
If you are someone like me, then you know how it feels to be on a path to better your relationships. It’s not easy because, at its core, to better your relationships, you need to better yourself. The most rewarding path is when you can see how your past experiences affected the development of your character, which affects your relationships, because then and only then can you break the patterns you don’t like repeating. For me, there was no other way than to understand my childhood psychology. It’s an ongoing journey that never ends. That’s why I created an online course to better “Understand Childhood Psychology”. Bettering yourself and your relationships is an ongoing journey that starts by understanding the mechanisms that work behind the scenes from our childhood.
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Hollis writes in his book:
“The search for reflection from the Magical Other is also the dynamic of narcissism, which manifests in the adult who as a child was insufficiently mirrored by a loving, affirmative parent.”
Now stop and think about what you need or crave from your partner. Or think back to your own failed relationships. Wow, the amount of pressure we put on someone else. We put expectations on them to fill the voids we have. And more often than not… we don’t even tell our partners what we need… we simply expect them to know and to give us this satisfaction in certain areas of our lives.
The Truth About Why Relationships Fail
So, knowing all of this, why do most relationships fail?
When reality strikes down the fairytale illusions of falling in love, the romantic partner, rather than being a Magical Other, is revealed as who they really are… a human.
Humans are flawed creatures. So when the rose-colored glasses are removed, their faults, flaws, rough edges, and bad habits grow apparent. This hit of reality can happen overnight, but in most cases, this fantasy lens fades slowly over time.
The partner, being a flawed human, does not always make the other one in the relationship happy. The needs and expectations of the other aren’t fully met, which can cause strong feelings of disappointment and even disdain. These feelings are a normal component of long-term relationships, for as M. Scott Peck writes: “…for individuals enthralled to the myth of romantic love, the conclusion of the honeymoon period, and the awareness of the widening gulf between their fantasy of who they want their partner to be, and who they really are, can be a troubling experience.”
Reflecting on Relationships
So long as one remains captured by the myth of romantic love, and chained to search for the Magical Other, one dooms their relationships from the start. Holding onto the expectation that a romantic partner should be the primary source of life’s meaning leads to resentment and an unbelievable amount of pressure that can cause a relationship to end. A pathological dynamic can also develop.
This dynamic can be very unhealthy as one partner attempts to shape the other into their ideal image. While the other partner lives in fear that they are simply not ever going to be ‘good enough’ for the other. The later partner could even take it to another level by spending all of their time and efforts on catering to their significant other’s ever wish. Again, not healthy at all for a relationship.
The 6 Red Flags of Relationships
Now that you know what causes the downfall of most relationships… what can YOU do to prevent your relationship from failing?
Well, John M. Gottman a world-renowned American psychologist talks about 6 red flags to look for in any relationship. Using these 6 red flags, Gottman can tell with 91% accuracy if a marriage is doomed to fail.
Gottman calls these 6 red flags: signs of fruitless fire.
The number one thing to look out for is ‘harsh start-up.’ This is when your partner starts sentences with “we need to talk” or “you did it again.”
Number two is to look out for the four horsemen which are; Defensiveness, contempt, criticism, and stonewalling which is unresponsiveness. If your partner constantly shows these characteristics towards you, run!
Number three is flooding. This is where your partner has so many feelings that they can’t even express them to you. These are usually emotions of anger.
Number four is physiological distress. This is where the partnership is in such bad shape that one partner starts to have physical issues. This could be stress ulcers or drinking heavily – something that is caused by your body physically shutting down due to the stress.
Number five, bad memories. This is where one partner recalls only the negative when they recall memories of them and their partner.
Lastly, number six is failed repair attempts. This is where you can’t even end arguments with resolutions or even find common ground.
Conclusion
With marriages and even any relationship, you are never going to see eye-to-eye on everything. You just aren’t, and that’s okay. But what Gottman has proven is how you speak to one another, resolve differences, and see imperfections in one another are what will make or break your marriage.
A successful relationship is seeing your partner as human. I’ll leave you with one final quote from James Hollis’ book. He says, “…if I do not see and love my partner as a real person in the real world, if instead, I elaborate a fantasy about him or her, using the person merely as a springboard for my imagination and my wishes, then I am doomed sooner or later to resent the actual person for not living up to my fantasies.”
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