How To Resolve Conflict in Relationships?

Mind-Body Connection in Ancient Times

I was having a coffee with a friend and he was telling me about the argument he had with his partner. You see, relationships are like mirrors, in which you can see yourself as you are. Not as you wish to be. And a good relationship is usually defined by how well you can manage the conflicts that emerge

Conflict with other people is an inevitable part of life. After all, we are all unique people with different opinions, needs, and views that don't always match up. Even though conflict is unavoidable, it is in itself conflictual. Conflict is conflictual? So what does that mean?

What I mean by this is that conflict is neither good nor bad in and of itself. It all depends on how it is handled. The Gottman Institute, which is an institute researching relationships, says that 96 percent of the time, you can tell how a conversation will go from the first three minutes.

I would add that sometimes you can even tell by a look…

So the point here is to remember that how a conversation about an issue within any relationship starts has a big effect on how the whole relationship evolves throughout time.

If you do NOT want to resolve conflict and you want to continue with the same issues deteriorating your relationship, then there’s no point in reading this post. You can keep criticizing and blaming to make your point but not resolve any problem. If on the other hand, you want to build trust, commitment and a supportive environment in your relationships, then this post is for you.

In today’s post I'll share with you a framework you can use to resolve conflict in your relationships. This framework will help you face with responsibility and sincerity the real problem of the conflict. That way the other person won't have a reason to question your motives and will be attentive to what you have to say.

A non-confrontational way to deal with conflict in relationships

So, a good way to start a dialogue about a conflict needs a soft start. That way the conflict becomes non-confrontational.  When conflict is handled in a non-confrontational way, it can help you improve communication with the other person, it can help you solve problems, and give you a chance to express yourself. It can also help you show the other person how to express themselves and help both of you get better at working together.

This framework of resolving conflict is about complaining, but without pointing fingers, and it encourages using language and facial expressions that show respect for the person in front of you instead of judging them.

It lowers tensions, minimises communication that can hurt feelings, protects you and the other person from feeling attacked or defensive and probably gets the other person to act the same way.

So this exercise will help you talk about conflicts in a way that isn't judgmental or confrontational. This will keep tensions from getting worse and prevent damage to relationships.

How a conversation about a disagreement starts affects how the whole thing goes.

Just imagine for a moment that someone comes up to you with a complaint. If they don't blame you or criticize what you did, you're more likely to stay calm and listen to what they have to say without getting angry or feeling like you need to defend yourself.

There are two ways to think about how a conflict "begins": strongly or gently.

A Strong Start in conversation about conflict

When someone brings up a problem and uses criticism and blame to make their point, this is called a "strong start." This way of talking about problems can be very bad for any relationship, whether it's with your partner, your co-worker, your friends, or your family. A strong start is when we use words like "you" and "always" and "never" a lot.

A Gentle Start in conversation about conflict

A gentle start is a way to approach conflicts in a way that makes the other person more likely to listen to you. Gentle starts aim to use an "I" statement, instead of "you". They aim to avoid criticism and blame, by explaining your concerns, and describing what you need while being respectful.

So let’s jump into it. I have my notebook here and we can start with step 1

Step 1: Know the difference between strong and gentle starts

Even though conflict is a normal part of life, how we choose to deal with it affects how the conversation goes but it also affects how your relationship grows. If you criticize or judge someone, you'll probably get back frustration and defensiveness. A strong beginning can feel like an attack on someone's personality. For example, "You always have time for others but not for your home!" "Why can't you get things done on time?" or "You never get anything done around here."

To handle and solve conflicts with your partner, children, parents, friends, or coworkers, you need to start conversations in a way that isn't so aggressive. A gentle start lets you talk about your worries and needs without putting all the burden on the other person. This makes it more likely that they will listen to you because you are not accusing, you're not judging, you're not being negative with your words or your tone.

So, if we take the same examples as before, you could say, "I'd like to sit down with you and talk about how we can spend more time together," "We talked about a deadline for the project and agreed on a schedule. Please give this your full attention," and "I like it when we work as a team to do the house chores."

Here are Top tips for gentle your starts:

It's fine to complain, but it's not okay to criticize or blame. If you start a sentence with "You" instead of "I," the other person is more likely to get upset and raise their guard. Instead, try starting your sentence with "I." Don't use words like "always" and "never" because they can be seen as attacks on the character of the other person.

One thing that you need to be aware here is that countless studies have shown that we judge others blaming their character while we judge ourselves blaming the circumstances. And if there's one thing I want you to remember from this video then this is it. So for example if someone else is not doing the work we want them to do, we are going to think that they are lazy. While if we don't do the work we're supposed to do, it'll be because that day we had a headache or because we didn't have the right tools. That's an unconscious bias you need to have in mind before jumping to conclusions about the other person. Don't blame their character, ask them about the circumstances.

In other words, what is happening and why you have the problem you have with the person, should be described using facts rather than judgments and criticisms.

Make sure you communicate your needs no matter how vulnerable this makes you. It's a different thing to say "I have the need to feel close to you" rather than "Why do you always spend more time with work?"

Be kind and show your gratitude. Use words and phrases like "please" and "it would be great if you could..."

Step 2: In this step, you will think for a moment about a conflict you had in the past.

This could be with, for example, a coworker, a family member, a spouse, or a partner. Use the space below to explain what happened, what was said, and how the argument turned out.

Step 3: Coming up with a gentle alternative

Now that you've revisited a conflict from the past, try to think about how you could have talked to the person in a kinder, less argumentative way. When making a gentle start, the following diagram is helpful:

“I feel” and it’s important to say “I feel” xyz and not “you make me feel” xyz because the other person’s actions or words, are not making you feel anything. What I mean is that it’s your interpretation of their actions and words that is making you feel xyz. And it’s useful to know that it’s your responsibility to yourself, is to be aware and understand of how your past is affecting your present. So don’t put the responsibility of your emotions to the other person.

So back to our framework. We start with:

“I feel..” and this is where you describe how you feel

“When..” And here you describe the situation with as many facts as you can and by not blaming

“And I need…” and this is where you explain what you need to that things become better for you individually and also for you as a team.

So let’s see some examples now.

A hard start would be:

You never talk to me about how your day went

The gentle alternative would be:

I feel neglected when we don’t connect after work and I need to feel close to you as this is a hard month for me

A hard start would be:

You’re so selfish, we always do what you want

The gentle alternative would be:

I feel upset when I don’t get to go the things I enjoy to do. I’d love for us to go swimming together. How do you feel about it?

The last example would be:

You’re out of your mind spending all that money. How irresponsible can you be?

The gentle alternative would be:

I’m worried about our financial situation and I’d really like for us to save some money for our upcoming trip. What do you think?

So now that we finished with step 3 let’s move to

Step 4 which is: Self Reflect

So how did it feel to do this exercise?

What do you know now that you didn't know before about yourself and about how you deal with conflict?

How has this framework changed the way you think about how to handle a possible conflict?

Drop me a line in the comments below. I’ll be really glad to see how this worked for you.

If you liked this video, hit the like button. It’s a small thing you can do that means a lot to me and to the future of this channel.

Till next time, be gentle my friend.