Low Sexual Desire?
Relativity of Desire
A common complaint amongst couples is the low sexual desire they experience. This might happen for a variety of reasons and -surprise surprise - many of them are psychological. One thing to keep in mind is that there is no standard of desire. Different people have different standards and on top of that, one might change their standards across their lifetime.
So, couples are dealing with a situation which is not only relative but also subjective to the dynamics of the couple and the dynamics within one’s self.
One example of relativity many of us can relate to is when we compare the high desire we feel at the early stages of a relationship and the low desire we feel some years down the line in the same relationship. Another example of relativity is when one experiences low sexual desire with one partner but high desire with another partner.
Men VS Women
-Please read what applies not only for your gender but for the opposite sex too. We all need to understand how both genders function in order to create a safe environment in which the other will feel safe to explore and tackle this issue-
Sexual desire tends to differ between men and women and more importantly the source of desire is linked with different stimuli for each gender.
Men
Mens’ sexual desire is typically linked with their physiological arousal and in a man’s mind, this undoubtedly strong link forms the basis of their interpretation of desire. Simply put, men are conditioned to think that their sexual desire is linked with the quality of their erection. Which is also the reason for their increasingly stressful “performance anxiety”. Something women often cannot fully comprehend as they function, physiologically, in a different way.
That is why erectile dysfunction is something that can decrease sexual desire so dramatically in men (which by the way may be the outcome of psychological as well as physiological factors). Other factors might include alcohol consumption, stress, no exercise, performance anxiety, medical conditions among others.
There has been an increasing amount of studies around how pornography affects the relationship men have with sexual desire but the outcomes vary. For some men, studies have found that the use of pornography is detrimental to their sexual desire and satisfaction. For others, there is no negative impact at all.
(I intend to write a post tailored on men and sexual desire, as I would like to expand a lot more on the conditioning we, men, have in thinking that our sexual desire is linked with the quality of our erection and what can we learn from women on how to deal with this)
Women
Women, on the other hand, are typically more psychologically driven and are highly influenced by their perception of their body image and by the quality of their relationship.
Sexual desire in females is more complex than it is in men. It is typically related to their hormonal state and the feelings they have towards themselves, first and foremost, and the feelings towards their partners secondarily.
They are more situational in that sense, as the situation around them might trigger different reactions, in contrast to men who, as we mentioned is typically linked with their physiological arousal. Furthermore, women often experience a strong desire only AFTER they are physiologically aroused. In which point I am obliged to say that the lovemaking technique a woman’s partner employs, is a major factor in a woman’s level of desire.
Experts agree that sexual desire in women is statistically lower than men. This is no surprise as female sexuality is far more complex than the male one as it involves a combination of personal (mental and physical), interpersonal, and even societal factors that add up to the equation.
Symptoms of Low Sexual Desire
Low sexual desire is identified when there is very low to no response to a partner’s sexual call. Other symptoms might include (but are not limited to):
- erectile dysfunction
- low level of sexual interest
- performance anxiety
- recurring lack of desire
- arousal disorder
Note: Low sexual desire becomes a disorder only when it creates distress and reduces the quality of one’s life or creates a chronic and unresolved conflict within the relationship.
Causes of Low Sexual Desire
The causes of low sexual desire can be both physical as well as psychological. Before starting any psychological discussion, the physical causes (e.g change in hormones, medical conditions, side-effects of medication treatments etc) must be excluded.
When psychology affects our sexual desire then depression is one of the top reasons why.
A prolonged stressful period in one's life (which in many occasions may also lead to fatigue) is another potential cause for low sexual desire.
On top of that, many of us experience dissatisfaction with our body image. Simply put, we don’t like the way we look. And this can also have a significant impact on sexual desire. In other words, how can we physically connect with another person, if we cannot connect with our own physique?
Child abuse is undoubtedly another factor that might affect the levels of desire, erotic exloration and satisfaction.
When it comes to long-lasting relationships things might get more complicated. The interpersonal dynamics that are sculpted throughout the lifetime of the relationship are equally -if not more- responsible for the loss of sexual desire as the personal factors mentioned above are.
Let’s take the example of a couple where the partners do not communicate with each other in a constructive way what their needs are. Or when one partner is constantly critical towards the other. Or the equally damaging case where one partner is being constantly passive. More or less we have all been affected, directly or indirectly, by situations like this and if we are truly honest with ourselves we can clearly observe that there is one emotion emerging from behaviours like the above.
This emotion is resentment and is the number one killer not only of sexual desire but of relationships in general. It’s the single biggest psychological trigger for behaving not based on who we truly are but based on which situation we find ourselves in. Because we did not express our needs to our partner in a constructive way. So this becomes the norm. A norm which we will inevitably resent at some point. Along with the person who represents this situation we found ourselves in. Our once beloved partner.
How to treat low sexual desire?
There is no one pill for treating such a complex and multifactorial issue. No one simple solution or a “How to” guide for that. Quite the opposite I would suggest. The focus should not be on HOW to treat low sexual desire but on WHAT are we trying to treat in the first place?
As you read above, there are so many factors that might lead to low sexual desire for men and for women separately. And I’m sure there are so many more reasons on why this issue arises. Focusing on the "How" will create extra stress in you that you do not need at this point. Focus on the "What" instead.
Are you trying to treat the accumulated anger for unresolved conflicts with your partner?
Are you trying to treat your inability to express your needs to your partner in a constructive way?
Which aspect of your personality you do not express within your relationship?
How well do you feel with your body?
How often do you drink alcohol and eat junk without exercising?
How’s your stress at work and for how long have you been stressed?
The list goes on and on but the real question is one:
What are you really trying to treat?
Low sexual desire is an outcome. Not a cause. So start an honest discussion with yourself about the real cause of that issue.
I hope I have given you a starting point. And if you feel you want to talk about it, click the button below and let’s have a chat.