Do Your Relationships Follow Old Patterns?

When we start a brand new romantic relationship, we can get swept up in the excitement and feelings of possibility that can accompany it. For many people, a new relationship may even offer a chance to escape from old patterns from previous relationships. You might hope that there will be less arguing or that the new partner will provide a greater sense of satisfaction. 

A recent study has revealed that after the initial honeymoon period has finished, many relationships can, in fact, end up repeating old patterns.

When looking at the sort of changes that can occur when people move to a new relationship, Matthew Johnson from the University of Alberta and Franz Neyer from Friedrich-Schiller-Universität Jena looked at data from the German Family Panel. This is a longitudinal study that started in 2008 and has followed more than 12,000 people. 

Every year, the participants of this study fill in a survey that requires them to rate their relationships, sexual satisfaction, how frequently they are having sex, their relationship stability and have often they argue or receive admiration from their partner. 

The researchers published in their new paper an analysis of the responses of 554 participants that had been in at least two intimate relationships that were long enough to be recorded in two surveys. This gave the team enough data from the last two years of one relationship and the first two years of the new one. By looking at the levels of satisfaction, intimacy and stability, they were able to determine whether dynamics changed across the relationships.  

The researchers discovered that at the end of the first relationships, the metrics deteriorated. Both partners argued more and became less satisfied overall. As expected, these metrics then improved when the participants started seeing their new partner. However, after a year, the metrics dropped again after the “honeymoon” period had expired.

Interestingly, when the researchers looked at the most stable phase of the partnerships – the first survey of the first relationship and the second survey for the second relationship – the results were consistent. There were no obvious differences in the relationship satisfaction, the amount of conflict or how they perceived the stability of the relationship. The only two measures that differed were the frequency of sex and the amount of admiration received from their partner, which were both higher in the second relationship. 

The conclusion that the researchers came to stated that our romantic relationships can end up being similar to the ones that we have had before. The new relationship may feel different or improved, because, as the researchers said, the negative feelings at the end of a relationship can “cast a long shadow over the memory of that union”. 

Having said that, having no evidence of any differences between relationships does not necessarily mean that there are none. The survey was criticized for having very basic survey measures, as most only used just one or two questions, so it may not have noticed more subtle changes in dynamics between the parties.

It should also be noted that even if people don’t see a lot of differences on average between their relationships, there might be characteristics in individuals that make a change more or less likely. For example, the researchers discovered that the level of neuroticism of partners and the length of the relationships both influenced the results. “Changes did occur for some people,” the researchers concluded, “but despite the presence of a new partner, change is not inevitable.” (the level of neuroticism measures the sensitivity to negative emotion).

Ask yourself this

However, the most fundamental question remains. Why do we choose the partners we choose? Many therapists, myself included, believe that the choice of a partner is linked to the level of our trauma. We tend to choose partners with similar levels of trauma like the one we are experiencing. This does not necessarily mean they need to have experienced the same traumatic experiences we had, but more that they are at a similar level of healing their trauma as we are. Have you asked yourself how your traumas affect your relationship and how, in fact, your own traumas may be responsible for repeating old patterns? If you’d like to have a chat about it, book your session below and let’s talk.