Irritated by your partner? Here is a way to say it

Does your partner do things that annoy you? Being in a long term relationship means that sooner or later you will have to face that. And how you are going to respond is entirely up to you. Here are some tips that might help:

I'll share a friend's story. He used to get irritated by his wife because sometimes in the mornings she would be moody, needing some space and time before any communication. He, in return, would get annoyed because he was feeling as if he was the source of her annoyance.  He would try to discuss, she would react not in the way he would like her to, he would then be defensive, she would be even more defensive, and I'm sure you can guess how the rest of the story goes since I assume you're familiar with this concept. 

However small or big these annoying things are, they need to be addressed in a  way that is beneficial to you, your partner and the relationship as a whole. 

Ask yourself the following:

1. What if my partner is doing the best they can?

We start with the hardest one. Psychologists have run several studies and concluded to this: We tend to see our own deficiencies as situational but we blame other's deficiencies on their character. And this is how this plays out: "I was irritated because I had a bad day at work". While when we talk about others: "She is an impatient character". Sounds familiar?

Think about it this way. One could argue that emotions are the building blocks of a personality. If a negative emotional event happens to you today at work, it will probably affect your mood. So someone meeting you that evening might say "Oh you are moody today". If events that affect your mood happen for weeks, this will affect your temper. So the reaction will be "You have a temper". And if this continues for years, it affects your personality. So the response is "It's just your personality to be like that". 

Going back to your partner, assume they are doing the best they can. Maybe because of a recent emotional event, the way they were raised, or other circumstances, they are not as patient/efficient as you'd like them to be. And it might seem hard at times to embrace them as a whole. But think about the outcome. Think what the outcome would be if you just tell them "Don't be so annoying". Now think of the outcome if you assume that they are annoying because of a reason you don't quite yet understand. This opens the door to exploration and genuine understanding. And the outcome might be something you haven't imagined. 

2.  Why is this behaviour bothering me?

The answer may lie in the fact that it's not really what they do that bothers you, but the way you interpret it. This post here sheds some light onto how we have the tendency to project our own personality problems to others.  

Doing some deep self-reflection always helps to determine why things about the other person bother you. Once you figure this out, communicating it to your partner is highly suggested. That will make them also reflect and understand better the way you perceive things.

3. Am I asking the right question?

Going back to my friend's example, his approach was to ask his wife "why are you grumpy so often in the morning?". This question didn't go down well as you can imagine. First of all, it's a suggestive question. And suggestive questions, especially the ones which judge others, always trigger defense mechanisms. Try an open-ended question instead. Open-ended questions are those questions that do not suggest or imply anything. They invite the other person to provide as much detail or insight as they want. An example would be "When I see you annoyed in the mornings, I always have the feeling you're annoyed at me. And I don't know if it's this or something else. I'd like to understand this the way you see it".

That's an invitation to your partner to share their experience. Without any judgment or suggestions. Which brings us to the next point.

4. Am I responsive or reactive? (The Loving Curiosity principle)

Now it's time to be really attentive to what they say. It's time to be genuinely curious to understand. That will make you responsive and not reacting. For example, if they say something along the lines of "I'm thinking about the work I have to face and I'm stressed and I need my time" do not reply with "I have work too but I don't let my stress out on you". That's being reactive. Listen instead and understand. Make your partner feel you are listening and not just reacting. Take your time to ask more questions and understand where they are really coming from. When your partner feels that they are being approached with the intent of loving curiosity, their response will most probably be very different than if they feel judged and compared. This approach will certainly work to the favour of your relationship.

5. Am I also expressing my own needs?

It's essential to have heard your partners needs. But it's equally vital to make sure your needs are also heard and are part of the greater picture. This takes a lot of preparation as it is linked with point number 2. After your self-reflection, you should have a good understanding of what your triggers are and how they shape your needs. You will find that some triggers are creating exaggerated needs that might block your relationship. But you will also find that some needs are genuine parts of your construct of a loving relationship and you want those to be met. 

Make sure to express your needs in an open-minded way. Without imposing your needs as something that your partner needs to follow as a behaviour. Taking my friend's example, his initial reaction to expressing his needs was: "I need you to be nicer to me in the mornings". This can't be beneficial. Combining your need with a suggestion or direction is not something that will maintain the balance in your relationship. Try instead to communicate how you feel during those moments. This is a great introduction for the next step.

6. Are we finding solutions together?

In relationships, we tend to play roles whether we are aware of it or not. Those roles are very vague at the beginning but as the relationship moves through time they get more defined and crystalised. This is another reason why relationships might appear better at their beginning. It is because all possibilities are open and we have not yet restricted ourselves in roles we are unconsciously defining and imposing onto our partner.

One of those roles is the role of the overcompensating caregiver. Some of us tend to want to solve all the problems alone and this can happen for various reasons. It might be because we think we can do it better or because we think this is a way to show how much we care. Finding solutions for our relationship, however, needs to be a joint effort. Both parties need to show they have understood each other's concerns and they are willing to find solutions to address them. 

How will you know if you're doing it right? Both will feel content not only from the solution but from the way the whole issue was handled. Both of you will feel a sense of gratification for having each other in your lives.

Some last thoughts

Will it be easy? Definitely not! Long lasting relationships are the hardest thing to maintain and one of the reasons is that we need to discard pieces of who we think we are and piece our ego hold on tightly for several years in order to make the relationship work. Make sure you find a place and a time for discussion that will suit you both and will not feel rushed.  Always keep in mind the way you fell in love with that person. Keep in mind what attracted you to your partner in the first place and always have at the top of your head the reasons why you admire them. It doesn't need to be a scripted discussion but it surely is very beneficial to at least approach it with loving curiosity and an open mind.